Mental Health and Me

Mental health is one of the most important things and after realising this the hard way, I know a lot of people take it for granted. I struggle mainly with anxiety, but as anyone who has suffered from anxiety, it is a quick step to depression.

My anxiety is mainly triggered by the unknown, the future, and things that are outside my control. Which I know, will speak to a lot of people who struggle too. Now because of the triggers, I find it really hard to focus especially late at night or when I am tired, I find it hard to sleep without sound in the background and I struggle with letting go.

The focusing, I never really associated it with anxiety or depression, I thought I maybe just didn't enjoy what we were doing or I just preferred doing something else. It wasn't until my depression got really bad and I just couldn't focus on anything, I would put the TV on I would watch it for 30 seconds, then I would be on my phone, then I would get up and then sit back down. I started driving myself mad. The other half would get frustrated as we would be watching something and I would be on my phone, but I just couldn't concentrate on anything for any period of time. I know with depression, from my experience, you can lose interest in doing anything, it wasn't that, I was enjoying what we were doing, I just couldn't pay attention without doing something else to busy my hands. That's why I think it is more to do with my anxiety, but as I said before they can be very closely tied so it is hard to tell. When things got so bad, I think that was a combination of the two and that's why I would flit so quickly to other things. I am trying to work on this but later in the evening it gets the worse I get for it, so I normally go to bed when I notice I am doing it.

Sleeping has always been hard for me, especially when I am on high alert, in the fight or flight mode that anxiety likes to put you in. You know the heart racing, almost sweating, maybe shaking feeling when it is in full swing. In my experience, the best thing to do to break it, get out of bed. Sleep hygiene is so important when you are low, when I was first told about it I didn't think it would work but it does. Only get into bed when you are tired, your body will come to associate going to bed with going to sleep. So no lazy mornings in bed, no hiding in bed when the world gets too much. There are a few more points but that is the main one that worked for me, check the rest out on the NHS website or just google it. The point that it recommends that I really struggle with is no screens, don't watch tv in bed. Now part of my issue is voices in my head, when I am going to sleep, telling me about that stupid thing I did when I was 10 and how am I ever going to live it down. Or that time not so long ago you told a story and no one laughed. Them thoughts. Some people can brush them off and ignore them, I can't and I sit and I dwell and I cry and I panic. So I have to have sound, now the most recommended thing is to try and play something that you don't have to watch, like a podcast or an audiobook, they didn't work for me. I did use Headspace, which is a mindfulness app, they have a section for sleepcasts. Basically a bedtime story but at the beginning, they do a breathing technique or a mindfulness technique to help you relax. Which really works for me, now I am in a more positive space I am naughty and watch anything, either on the TV or my Ipad but if I struggle I always go back to Headspace.

I think letting go can be hard for anyone but when it is linked to mental health, it is almost painful to relinquish the control. Some people may not understand that but for me, even to simply ask for help, it is a sign of weakness and I can beat myself up about it for a very long time. Even though I still beat myself up, I have come to begrudgingly accept that it is a part of life and I can't do everything all of the time, nor should I be expected to. Reading this you may think, 'well isn't it just easier if I did it all myself?' well no actually, if you take on too much you won't actually be able to do what you wanted and then you will feel lesser for it. Before you realise you will have created your own cycle. That's what happened to me, I was trying to help everyone, everyone but me, it got to a point where I was dealing with everyone's issues and trying to be the strength for everyone, I was so scared I was going to collapse that I put a front on it. Until it broke and I couldn't get out of bed, I was exhausted, mentally, and physically. I was a shadow of myself and I can't even begin to explain how dark my thoughts got. The only thing that kept me here was thinking I didn't want anyone to have to do what I did and shoulder everything and feel this way. 

Honestly, there is more to it and I am sure there are more things I will touch on. I just wanted to highlight my main issues and how I try to overcome them. I have had more experience than I thought I did and I have tried to take action. Every helpful suggestion I have taken on board and tried and that's all you can do. I also feel apologetic for saying "helpful suggestion" because I have heard, "just relax", "light some candles and take a bath" as if that was going to cure me of all my thoughts, okay Karen... Don't let anyone tell you that you need to just snap out of it if it was that easy you would have done it by now.

One final thought and something that I really hold on to; someone once told me that how I felt was not because I wasn't strong enough it was I was strong for too long. You are strong enough but you don't have to be always strong.

xo