Dear blog #6
So yet again I have neglected you, I am really sorry and I hope you can forgive me.
Normally I brush over all of this and just get stuck in to making new posts and content. However I think it is really important that I explain a few things.
So back in May me and my partner at the time split up. It was their decision and as you can imagine I was devastated. To begin with I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel but quite quickly I got over it. Quicker than usual anyway. However, shortly after I started getting these spells of not being able to breathe and a tightness around my chest. It would happen spur of the moment, and for no reason I could pin point at the time. They would only last about 20 minutes or so then I would be fine.
I knew what it was, it was a panic attack. I got my first ever one back in March 2016. We were in the process of moving into a new house and I really wasn't coping very well. Everyone has their opinion of how we should have done things and they did what they wanted rather than the way I wanted the house. Between that, and my natural anxious behaviour it just got too much. One night I was winding down, talking to a good friend at the time, and in the middle of a story I suddenly was gasping for air, my heart was racing and I completely forget what I was doing. I got up and went into the kitchen to calm down without trying to worry anyone. I explained that I was just a bit warm and felt suffocated.
A little while after this happened, I got the confidence to speak about it and I spoke to a few people who had suffered from them. They said that it sounded very similar to their experience of a panic attack. Until the break up it only happened one more time, when I was in work. Because of this I chose to ignore them.
After the break up I started having them regularly, to the point where I could calm down in a minute or two and no one would even notice. I thought I had it under control.
My home life with my parents got tense and I had three really bad attacks in two weeks. I then decided to go to the doctors about it. I was put on antidepressants, the course was supposed to last 6 months but I stopped after 2. I never wanted to be put on them in the first place, it is just a temporary fix.
I am feeling much more myself, it is hard to explain what it felt like but before the tablets, I didn't feel like me, I felt like a shadow, I felt crazy. I didn't feel like I was making sense, I couldn't follow a full thought, I was unable to process information. I was unable to comprehend anything - any bad news or confrontation would leave me a bubbling, emotional wreck. I felt hollow, and I just wanted to fix it, but then would get angry, frustrated and upset that I couldn't.
Don't get me wrong, it is a work in progress and I will never be quite the person I was. I honestly think that is a good thing, I have come out the other end, so much happier, stronger and overall I think, I much better person (I am slightly biased though).
So here is to a new start, a fresh beginning and making brand new memories!
Here here!
xo
Normally I brush over all of this and just get stuck in to making new posts and content. However I think it is really important that I explain a few things.
So back in May me and my partner at the time split up. It was their decision and as you can imagine I was devastated. To begin with I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel but quite quickly I got over it. Quicker than usual anyway. However, shortly after I started getting these spells of not being able to breathe and a tightness around my chest. It would happen spur of the moment, and for no reason I could pin point at the time. They would only last about 20 minutes or so then I would be fine.
I knew what it was, it was a panic attack. I got my first ever one back in March 2016. We were in the process of moving into a new house and I really wasn't coping very well. Everyone has their opinion of how we should have done things and they did what they wanted rather than the way I wanted the house. Between that, and my natural anxious behaviour it just got too much. One night I was winding down, talking to a good friend at the time, and in the middle of a story I suddenly was gasping for air, my heart was racing and I completely forget what I was doing. I got up and went into the kitchen to calm down without trying to worry anyone. I explained that I was just a bit warm and felt suffocated.
A little while after this happened, I got the confidence to speak about it and I spoke to a few people who had suffered from them. They said that it sounded very similar to their experience of a panic attack. Until the break up it only happened one more time, when I was in work. Because of this I chose to ignore them.
After the break up I started having them regularly, to the point where I could calm down in a minute or two and no one would even notice. I thought I had it under control.
My home life with my parents got tense and I had three really bad attacks in two weeks. I then decided to go to the doctors about it. I was put on antidepressants, the course was supposed to last 6 months but I stopped after 2. I never wanted to be put on them in the first place, it is just a temporary fix.
I am feeling much more myself, it is hard to explain what it felt like but before the tablets, I didn't feel like me, I felt like a shadow, I felt crazy. I didn't feel like I was making sense, I couldn't follow a full thought, I was unable to process information. I was unable to comprehend anything - any bad news or confrontation would leave me a bubbling, emotional wreck. I felt hollow, and I just wanted to fix it, but then would get angry, frustrated and upset that I couldn't.
Don't get me wrong, it is a work in progress and I will never be quite the person I was. I honestly think that is a good thing, I have come out the other end, so much happier, stronger and overall I think, I much better person (I am slightly biased though).
So here is to a new start, a fresh beginning and making brand new memories!
Here here!
xo
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